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Welcome to Lebanon, the land of Cedars and mafias of all kinds! The latest sensation? The parking valet mafia, which adds a certain flair to the already long list of leeches draining us to the bone with unparalleled delicacy. From electricity generators to water tanks, to currency exchangers, all of them, absolutely all, are lining their pockets at the citizen’s expense with a grace and elegance worthy of the grandest ballets. But what are we really discussing? A country whose foundations stand only by force of habit.
Now, enter these new despots who pounce like felines whenever a car dares to approach, reigning supreme over our sidewalks like Louis XIV over Versailles. They impose their laws with exorbitant fees, without anyone daring to utter even a whisper of protest. Want to park to sip a coffee? Prepare to shell out as much for the parking valet as for your espresso, a combo as refreshing as a blow to the head! And don’t even think about parking elsewhere, because these crafty ones have the monopoly on the pavement, a real empire worthy of the East India Company.
Every inch of sidewalk is now under the control of self-styled valets, whether they’re vegetable vendors or luxury boutique managers. Need to run multiple errands? Be prepared to allocate a “valet” budget worthy of a maharajah! The height of absurdity is that even if the sidewalk is empty, they demand money simply for the privilege of parking. It’s surreal and excessive, reflecting a country spiraling into chaos—a constant emotional rollercoaster.
And what about those vulgar nouveau riche who toss their flashy cars and wads of cash to the valets like peanuts to pigeons, thus contributing to a rate that continues to rise like a soufflé? There’s no longer any logical scale or ceiling, it seems the sky is the only limit…
As for parking lots, a job now more coveted than a box seat at the opera, you might as well stash your diplomas in the closet, quit your job, and charge every car that enters, even for a minute. Gone are the days of making superhuman efforts to open a door or smile at the customer; just extend your hand like a begging king, and voilà! The driver, trapped, has no choice but to hand over a few bills if they want the privilege of placing their wheels on this precious asphalt. And the best part? At the end of the day, these new kings leave with pockets bursting at the seams, while the poor “normal” workers count their meager coins. So why bother spending years in school or climbing the corporate ladder? The real jackpot is in parking!
While valets and other mafias are raking it in, the rest of the population is crushed under hyperinflation and poverty. Prices are soaring everywhere—restaurants, hotels, and more—reaching Himalayan heights that would make even a seasoned Sherpa dizzy. With the budget of a weekend in Beirut, you could afford a trip to Italy, with all the culture, scenery, and gastronomy you could wish for.
But no, we endure these despots who extort us day in and day out. Do we have a choice? Yes! The choice to stay at home, which many people opt for—a form of voluntary confinement. Might as well save your money (if any is left) for a much-needed escape.
Why be surprised? This parking valet mafia is just one symptom of the deeper rot affecting our society. Between the generators choking our lungs with carcinogenic fumes and the shameless scams multiplying with impunity, we watch helplessly as our budget collapses and, above all, our dignity.
But don’t worry, as long as there are mafias to drain us with a smile, all is well in this topsy-turvy world! We’ll continue to pay handsomely just to survive in this country while others grow rich off our backs like parasites on a stray dog.
Fortunately, for some, the age of “working the streets” has passed. Imagine the scene: valets as pimps, demanding their due on every street corner for every potential “client.” A vaudevillian vision that might not be so far from the dismal Lebanese reality, a scenario worthy of the best boulevard comedies.
Welcome to Lebanon, land of mafias and glaring inequalities.
A country where absurdity has become the norm and where “cash” reigns supreme. But don’t worry, because as someone might say with a mischievous wink, it’s “because you’re worth it!”
