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Through the harrowing testimony of Nayla, a survivor of domestic violence, we delve into the dark realities of this kind of abuse. This article offers an analysis of the complex psychological mechanisms behind these acts of violence, providing insight into why women often find themselves trapped in toxic relationships.
“My name is Nayla. I am 37 years old. At 17, I met the man who would become my tormentor. What started as love at first sight quickly turned into a nightmare of jealousy and violence. On one night that was marked by brutality, he poured a bottle of wine over my head because a friend had spoken to me at a party. Then, he locked me out on the terrace in the freezing cold. When I finally came back in, begging, he responded to my cries by extinguishing a cigarette on my palate and hitting me in the mouth, making me spit blood. For three years, I was a prisoner of his anger and cruelty. He would come home drunk and force me to have sex with him, he watched my every move, and he even went so far as to record my conversations. When I became pregnant, he hit me in the stomach, denying he was the father. I lost the baby. The fear was so deep that, more than once, I fled into the night, only to be dragged back by my hair. I spent my time in hospital emergency rooms, always pretending I had bumped into something. This lasted for years. I told nothing of what I endured to my family and even less to my friends. In fact, I had gradually isolated myself. I spent my time covering up my bruises to go to work. I separated from him and filed for divorce, but I fell back into this spiral of violence and went back to him. It was only at 27 that I found the strength to leave him, after beatings that nearly killed me. I am in therapy. I hope to be able to free myself from him permanently. My story is one of survival, a brutal reminder of the terrifying reality of domestic violence.”
The story shared by Nayla is, unfortunately, not a rare occurrence in domestic relationships. Indeed, many women suffer the same torments.
The violence she endures is not just physical. It often comes with verbal, psychological, sexual or perhaps even financial abuse, as she suggests. Fortunately, Nayla was able to make the decision to break this deadly cycle, or she might have met the fate of other victims driven to suicide.
She does not speak of the consequences of this violence on her entire being. But the hidden objective of the abuser is to break her vital spirit, to annihilate any will to rebel. The effects are severe and numerous: physical injuries that are hidden, psychological symptoms like depression, loss of self-confidence, anxiety attacks, sleep and eating disorders, turning to addictive substances, psychosomatic disorders and even an impairment of intellectual and mental capacities. Signs of psychological trauma are frequently evident. Gynecological symptoms may also be accompanied by obstetric issues, as Nayla indicates with the loss of her child. When the violence becomes cyclical, these pathologies become chronic, making medical or psychological relief more challenging.
Nayla tells us she fell in love at first sight with her future husband. This phrase seems very appealing to many people. But its logic is mysterious: love at first sight defies explanation; it is irrational, just like love itself. This “strike” stems from the unconscious perception of an element in the other that reminds the subject of an archaic life, that of early childhood, imprinted in their unconscious memory.
Did Nayla perceive this trait in her future husband? To which family member does it belong? What did she hope to find in this man that would fulfill a desire never to be satisfied? What became of this love afterwards? It turned into disappointment, failure, she says. Instead of it being a loving relationship, her partner eliminated her as a desiring subject. She was reduced to a mere object for the destructive impulses of a man enjoying the passivity of his victim.
What might be the causes of Nayla’s initial submission to her husband’s violence? In the absence of more complete information, we can venture to ask a set of questions: Did she have parents who failed in their role? That is, was she unable, during her development, to express the feminine in her (which is very different from femininity)? Did she have a mother who herself was subjected to domestic violence, to which she identified by a kind of mimicry?
The fact remains that women, with their subjective histories, like Nayla perhaps, have reached adulthood unable to develop their femininity because it was denied to them. They develop a significant emotional fragility and unconsciously hope to find in another the one who will heal them, who will, through his gaze love, and words, allow them to (re)build a fragmented femininity, respecting difference and subjectivity. Nayla’s disappointment was probably as great as her hopes: her status as another subject was denied to her, and she became the scapegoat of an immature and impulsive being.
These recurring questions are often asked in these tragic situations: “But why do they stay? Why don’t they leave their aggressor?” And why did Nayla, after leaving her husband, return to him?
Psychoanalyst Marie-France Hirigoyen explains that turning the woman into an object of satisfaction annihilates her thought, makes her doubt herself and the interventions of her surroundings that want to see her react. She submits to her husband’s control, even trying to justify his violent behavior.
The mechanisms he uses are as follows: attack her identity to break her resistance, isolate her from her surroundings so he can continue his control, subject her to constant frustrations to increase her sense of insecurity, constantly intimidate her, tirelessly monitor her to prevent any independence, harass and threaten her continuously to silence her. This whole process then leads to a paradoxical phenomenon: the inversion of guilt, meaning that these victims are led to believe they are themselves responsible for the couple’s discord, having failed to act to strengthen the romantic bond and satisfy the partner.
Nayla had the courage to end her suffering. She now needs to undergo psychoanalytic therapy to better understand what in her past led to her fatal choice and reorganize her entire emotional and sexual development to avoid falling back into the same toxic attractions.
Like Nayla, you can send us your story, which will undergo psychoanalytic analysis and reflection. Please provide us with all the details you have by sending an email to belibrahim@icibeyrouth.com
