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Every week, we invite you to explore a striking quote from a great psychoanalyst to reveal all its depth and richness. These lapidary, often provocative, formulas open up new perspectives on the intricacies of the human psyche. By deciphering these quotes with rigor and pedagogy, we invite you on a fascinating journey to the heart of psychoanalytic thought to better understand our desires, anxieties and relationships with others. Ready to dive into the deep waters of the unconscious?
“What does the baby see when he turns his gaze towards his mother’s face? Generally, what he sees is himself. In other words, the mother looks at the baby and what her face expresses is directly related to what she sees.” — Donald W. Winnicott.
Contrary to common beliefs in some circles where the infant is seen as nothing more than a passive sponge, from birth, the infant is actively seeking interaction, communication and attachment. It is primarily in the gaze of his mother that he can initiate an essential encounter for his somatopsychic development. As beautifully articulated by psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott, “The mother looks at the baby and what her face expresses is in direct relation to what she sees.” In other words, the baby sees in his mother’s eyes the reflection of the recognition of his own existence.
Winnicott goes further by asserting that “in the affective development of the individual, the precursor to the mirror is the mother’s face.” Long before being able to recognize himself in a mirror, the infant discovers in the maternal gaze the thoughts and feelings he provokes in her. What he sees there will have fundamental repercussions for his present and future.
If the mother is desiring, meaning welcoming, available and attentive to the needs and desires of her baby, her gaze will embody a mirror of love, acceptance and benevolence. Through it, the baby will feel loved, alive and creative. He will discover himself as a unique and precious being.
This benevolent gaze, accompanied by tender and loving words, is crucial as it allows the baby to gradually construct his “self,” meaning his sense of being a whole, true person, increasingly distinct from his mother. It is thanks to this early radiation of love that the baby will develop confidence in himself and in his ability to love and be loved.
Psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto agrees with Winnicott in stressing the importance of these early exchanges between mother and child. For her too, “It is the mother’s gaze upon the child that allows him to exist.” This gaze is like “emotional nourishment” essential for the healthy somatopsychic development of the baby.
For beyond a simple reflection, the maternal gaze is a true psychic organizer for the baby. Psychoanalyst Geneviève Haag’s work shows that communication through early visual exchanges contributes to the construction of the child’s bodily self. Seeing himself in his mother’s eyes, the baby begins to perceive the boundaries of his body and to differentiate his internal space from the external space, or as Winnicott says, his self from his non-self. The maternal gaze thus helps the infant to construct himself as a unified and coherent being.
But what happens when the maternal gaze is absent, rejecting or faulty? Winnicott studied situations where the mother’s face does not reflect a loving and warm image back to the baby. This can occur, for example, with depressed mothers who are withdrawn and emotionally unavailable to their child. The infant then feels as if he does not exist for his mother or for himself. This “broken mirror,” as Winnicott calls it, is extremely hindering to the baby’s somatopsychic construction. Deprived of acceptance and recognition, he may feel “unreal,” worthless, or even lack a stable identity. These flaws in the initial maternal gaze can leave lasting and deep scars. Winnicott links them notably to certain pathologies, such as “false self” personalities, who build an artificial identity, disconnected from their deep emotions.
Psychoanalyst René Spitz has also shown the devastating effects of early emotional deprivation, particularly in his studies on hospitalism. Babies deprived of warm relationships and loving gazes show severe developmental delays, both physically and psychologically.
However, it is not a matter of blaming mothers as sometimes psychoanalysis is criticized for doing. Because these mothers have likely experienced psychological distress from an early age themselves. Indeed, motherhood reactivates in a woman her own childhood experiences and the deficiencies she may have lived through. Becoming a mother thus involves revisiting her history and overcoming certain wounds to become capable of offering, in turn, a loving gaze to her child. Winnicott insists on the need to be a “good enough” mother, not a perfect mother, who, after all, does not exist. The key is initially having desired a child out of the couple’s love, then accepting, with humility, her status as a learning parent, a learning process that never ends.
Being a parent is a constant adjustment. From the fusion of the first few months, the maternal gaze as well as the mother-child relationship must evolve in accordance with the child’s needs for autonomy and necessary and gradual differentiations.
It all begins in the maternal eyes, the first mirror of the self, providers of a love that will constitute our foundation, build us and carry us forward. But it is equally necessary, once this maternal gaze and permanent love are internalized, to learn not to feel, in adulthood, the need to seek the meaning of one’s existence in the gaze of others. Because the ability to love oneself and the belief in one’s own value will then have become independent.
