- 07
- Feb.
- 2024
Raya, 46: 'I Was Trapped by a Narcissistic Pervert'
modified on 11 Apr. 2024 à 15:46 Read : 10 minute(s) A A A
This week’s topic, Raya’s story, gives us the opportunity to clarify scientifically the notion of perversion. It’s a theme that requires lengthy development if we wish to discover the unconscious causes of perversion, as well as the perverse processes that unfold in the relationship, on the part of both the pervert and his victim.
“I left my husband for a man who turned out to be a narcissistic pervert. Having worked with him for years, he had charmed and supported me during a marital crisis, leading me to choose him after 20 years of marriage. Our start seemed idyllic, with plans and travel, but it soon became clear that he was leading a double life and had no intention of leaving his official partner. I discovered that he had several other relationships, which plunged me into a long and painful period of descent into hell, marked by unemployment and depression. His duplicity extended to those around him, in front of whom he played the role of the perfect seducer, while in private he was cold, contemptuous and cruel, systematically blaming me for everything. I finally understood his nature after a lot of research and with the help of a shrink. Despite several attempts to keep me away, his hold seemed unshakeable, until a sudden abandonment at a critical moment pushed me to cut ties for good. This episode devastated my personal and professional life, but I’ve since found a job again and am surrounded by caring people. At 46, I have to rebuild my life, a painful but necessary process to escape this nightmare.”
A word of clarification: by definition, all perverts are narcissists, since they can’t love anyone but themselves. He’s imbued with his own image and sense of superiority. He’s the judge and arbiter of right and wrong, good and bad. He denies any morality or law other than those he imposes on others. He is the Master to whom everyone owes obedience and submission. As Raya found out to her cost, he’s a cold character who feels no sympathy, let alone empathy. He projects onto his victim the hatred and degradation he has carried within himself since childhood. His pathology is one of enjoyment of the suffering and humiliation he inflicts on others, whether moral or sexual.
Secondly, perversion lurks in the depths of every human being. Elisabeth Roudinesco refers to it as “the dark side of ourselves.” No one can escape it. Yet, the difference between a “normal” subject and a pervert is that, in the former, perversion nestles in repressed unconscious fantasies, whereas in the latter, perversion is conscious and expresses itself intentionally in acts aimed at psychologically and sometimes physically destroying its victim.
Thirdly, and just as importantly, the pervert can be found everywhere, not just in the couple, but also at work, in cultural or sporting activities, and particularly among those in positions of power, be it political, economic or other, as we see every day from the figures who hold the Lebanese hostage in the various fields where they operate with total impunity, flaunting themselves in the media without challenge, as if this pathology were accepted, normalized.
How do you become a pervert?
Sigmund Freud put forward the idea that perversion “is an integral part of the normal constitution.” In the early stages of a child’s psychosexual development, he or she goes through a phase that psychoanalysis calls “perverse polymorphism,” in the sense that all forms of perversion are present: sadism, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. At this stage, there’s nothing pathological about it.
To achieve “normal” psycho-sexuality, a subject must then go through the oral, anal and phallic phases, during which the Oedipus complex appears and, in principle, unravels. He then internalizes the moral law, the prohibition of incest and the acceptance of castration, essential conditions for becoming a full-fledged member of the human community. Development continues with the genital stage and gradual access to adult psycho-sexuality.
The pervert, on the other hand, achieves neither the resolution of the oedipal phase nor the ultimate, genital stage, which encompasses all the preceding phases, aiming for a unified, total object (i.e. person). For reasons linked to his subjective history, his development is halted, fixed at a much earlier stage. This is what led Freud to say that perversion is a form of infantile satisfaction. In this case, and because perverse sexual impulses are not repressed as in normal sexuality, this infantile fixation escapes education and enculturation, i.e. the internalization of what is permitted and forbidden by morality, the acceptance of cultural and social values, registration in the symbolic universe of language and law, and the inhibition of violent and destructive impulses. Thus, the pervert is not a unified, whole being. He moves forward divided, masked. On the one hand, he leads an apparently respectable life, advocating edifying ideas, while on the other, he conceals practices that are the opposite of what he seeks to show.
What different forms can perversion take?
Sadism, both sexual and moral. By exercising violent constraint on a victim who suffers and submits to it, the pervert derives immense pleasure. Pier Paolo Pasolini’s film Salò or the 120 Days of Sodom sheds an impressive light on the subject.
Fetishism. Here’s an example from L. Buñuel’s film Le journal d’une femme de chambre (The Diary of a Chambermaid) : we see an employer and Célestine, the maid he hires. He asks her to let him put on her boots. The next day, he is found dead, with one of Célestine’s boots in his mouth. Buñuel suggests that he died of too much pleasure. The boot is the fetish object that triggers sexual pleasure, an object symbolizing a truncated sexual organ, as the pervert cannot enjoy a relationship with a woman as a total object.
Voyeurism and masochism, of which Michael Haneke’s film The Pianist is an excellent illustration. It’s the story of a pianist whose sexuality is based on the pleasure she derives from spying on others, sometimes at peep-shows, sometimes watching pornographic films, while inflicting wounds on herself that, once again, give her masochistic pleasure. His encounter with a student provides the opportunity for a perverse couple relationship.
Exhibitionism, as in Paul Verhoeven’s Basic Instinct. It’s the famous scene in which Sharon Stone is interrogated by the policeman, who barely conceals his disquiet at the sight of Stone’s sex on display without panties, as she enjoys the excitement that seizes Michael Douglas and leads him to pursue a constantly threatening relationship with her.
Pedophilia: Watch Andréa Bescond and Éric Métayer’s film Les Chatouilles, in which A. Bescond courageously recounts the pedophilic sexual violence to which she was subjected from an early age, and her difficult journey to overcome her trauma.
Now, let’s look at the victim’s side of the equation, like Raya, who took a lot of time to escape her partner’s violence. Some may be surprised at the length of time it took. It’s because the relationship is so complex: it’s never easy to get out of it quickly.
Think of the pervert as a kind of vampire who feeds on his victim’s submission and suffering. Carrying a deep sense of anguish and abysmal emptiness, he pounces on his prey to fill himself with its life and energy.
Why did it take Raya too mch time to escape her partner? For the same reasons we mentioned in the last article about Nayla’s experience of domestic violence, and in particular the phenomenon of reversed guilt: it’s likely that Raya, like Nayla, became convinced that she was responsible for the couple’s conflicts, believing herself incapable of giving her partner what would satisfy him. She may have told herself that, despite her best efforts, she was unable to save their relationship. Did Raya feel invested with a mission to save and repair the couple? Victims of perverts often convince themselves that their love must have a regenerative virtue. In any case, she must have developed a crippling self-image, a lack of confidence in herself and her abilities, a feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the relationship. These were precisely the objectives sought by the pervert, who combined seduction and domination to exert his hold. Traumatized, Raya probably found herself totally dependent, isolated from her familiar surroundings, all out of conviction, confused in her ideas and feelings by her husband’s manipulations. For all of these reasons, it took her so long to denounce his actions, to maintain a shameful and guilty silence for so long, to accept the idea that he was responsible for her torments.
How can the victims of perverts be helped?
Above all, it’s important to realize that the omnipotence displayed by the pervert is, in reality, no more than a shell to conceal a deep-seated vulnerability. In fact, the pervert’s dependence on the other is considerable, but he is a master in the art of manipulating discourse to deny this dependence and even succeed in showing that the opposite is true, i.e. to present his victim as the one who requires dependence, who needs him, who calls on him, who seeks his company. Knowing this helps to understand the perverse mechanisms and gives the victim a certain courage to become aware of what is being played out on the marital stage. That’s why it’s important never to remain silent, but to speak out and tell those around you, friends and relatives who, through their support and encouragement, will give the victim the strength to react. The best thing, of course, is to seek the advice of real professionals who, by listening and drawing on their experience, can help the victim find the resources she needs to free herself.
It also requires an education that teaches each individual to give importance and value to his or her experiences, thoughts and bodily signals, as well as to the symptoms that appear (insomnia, nightmares, loss of appetite, sadness, isolation, etc.). In our socio-cultural environment, this learning is not only often absent from childhood, but the opposite is inculcated in the child who, as an adult, remains ignorant of what underpins the very energy of his or her existence.
Finally, analytical therapy is highly recommended to better understand the unconscious reasons behind this addiction to the pervert, so as to avoid repeating the same unfortunate choices.
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