- 10:00
The ongoing war in Lebanon affects everyone, especially on a psychological level. This is particularly true for parents, children, and adolescents. How do mothers cope with their own emotions? And, most importantly, how do they manage to comfort their children?
Many parents interviewed by This is Beirut, especially mothers, say they aren't afraid, or at least they try to hide their fear.
Mothers, Managing Fear, the August 4th Trauma, and Parenting Approaches
"As a mother, I don’t allow myself to be afraid; at least, I push the fear aside," says Caroline, a designer and mother to 14-year-old Yasmin and 12-year-old Ella. To keep fear at bay, she says she "works nonstop and focuses intensely on guiding her daughters."
Caroline recalls how her family was directly affected by the double explosion at the Beirut port in August 2020. Their apartment was destroyed, and one of her daughters was injured. "The trauma of August 4th made us stronger, I think," she confides.
She also explains that she strives to maintain a calm and rational approach. "We quickly realized that the strikes were targeted, though sometimes I think we don’t really know all of our neighbors."
Vanessa, a political scientist, shares a similar perspective, saying that she and her partner aren’t afraid because they’ve already lived through "the trauma of August 4th."
When asked about the day of Hassan Nasrallah’s assassination, she says, "We stayed calm, which reassured our children, Karl, 5, and Tatiana, 2 and a half." However, she admits that in the two nights that followed, "Karl had nightmares. With his sister, they asked me if the planes were going to destroy the house." Taking control, she reassured them, saying, "there’s no risk. The bombings are far away and targeted."
It was when Karl asked why school had been delayed that she explained what war is, using words he could understand. "It’s when two sides are fighting, and to stay safe, the school is closed. When things get better, it will reopen," she reassured him. She also showed him YouTube videos to explain what a "supersonic plane" is. For Vanessa, it's important to "tell children the truth, but not dwell on it too much." This approach helped them stop feeling scared when they hear a bombing or a supersonic plane.
Other parents, on the other hand, say they were scared and took time to understand what was happening. This is the case for Dima, a pharmacist and mother of 11-year-old twins Karim and Jean. She reveals that when the war expanded in late September to the southern suburbs of Beirut, after previously targeting southern Lebanon and the Bekaa Valley, she and her husband were "scared and decided to move." Once they understood that their neighborhood was not in danger, "we returned," she continues. As for the twins, the pharmacist explains, "they have different levels of maturity, and their behavior varies."
At night, when the bombings occur, "Karim, the more sensitive of the two, comes to sleep next to me. During the day, he needs my presence to feel safe, even though normally he does his homework on his own," she says.
Hélène also has twins, Tarek and Thierry, who are 8 years old. "Tarek was by the window on the 30th floor with me, holding my hand, and he saw everything when the explosion happened on August 4th," his mother recalls. "That experience, of course, deeply affected him, even though he tries to suppress it," she explains.
Since the war began, Hélène says Tarek insists he’s not afraid. But sometimes, "he flinches at the sound of a nighttime bombing and asks to sleep next to me for reassurance, even though during the day he’s perfectly fine." As for his twin brother Thierry, "he’s more in touch with his emotions. He admits that he’s scared when he hears the bombings—he trembles, his throat goes dry, and his heart races. When we ask why, he says he thinks about the people who are dying. What comforts him is being in the mountains or having me by his side," she concludes.
They Asked to Return to School
Meanwhile, many schools, particularly private ones, have reopened, while public schools, which accommodate a large number of displaced students, have not been able to do so yet.
In some of these schools, a hybrid teaching system has been put in place, offering the option for students to attend classes in person or online, as explained by the pharmacist. "At first, the twins studied online, but when their friends returned to school, they wanted to go back too. I encouraged them to resume a normal routine," she says. Since then, "Karim and Jean take the bus, study, play basketball in the schoolyard with their friends, and are getting back to a fairly normal life," Dima shares, feeling relieved.
Karl, the son of the political scientist, has also returned to school. One day, after coming home, he said to his mother, "I heard a boom! Where was it?" To calm him, Vanessa explained, "the bombs exploded in an area of Beirut far from the school, so it's not in danger."
As for Caroline, she explains that her two daughters heard the strikes in Araya while they were in class. "The teachers were scared, while Yasmin and Ella tried to comfort the other children who were afraid," she recalls.
Teenagers' stories seen through the reassuring eyes of their mothers
Yasmin will turn 15 in a few days. Since the war began, she says she hasn't been "very affected," though she does take "precautions."
"I was only scared when the huge bomb went off" (the one that killed Nasrallah).
And what did she feel physically at that moment? "I felt my skin burning where I was injured on August 4th," she recalls, looking to her mother Caroline for reassurance. "But I knew it was mental, not physical," something she understood later.
Indeed, Yasmin experienced the August 4th explosion "very intensely." She was injured and had to receive treatment for months. She admits she went through "huge trauma." But now, four years later, she’s doing well, has grown, and is able to separate the past from her present.
Nathalie, 13, also says she isn’t afraid. However, "the sound of the bombings wakes me up at night, and I can’t fall back asleep until it stops," she admits, unaware that this might be a defense mechanism to convince herself that she's unaffected, as her mother Sonia explains.
"The war turned my life upside down, and that upheaval affected me," Yasmin confesses. She recalls how "in one night, with my parents, we moved to a different area and apartment. It felt like I was starting a whole new life."
As a result, many of the teenagers interviewed feel a loss of direction, as they no longer have the same extracurricular activities due to the safety measures enforced by the ongoing war, even if they live in relatively safe areas.
Different Reactions Between Children and Teenagers
According to clinical psychologist and school counselor Cynthia Samneh, the way children and teenagers react during times of war "is not the same." Children, she explains, experience fear "more immediately and intensely than teenagers."
When a child senses danger, they "react right away, often without fully understanding what's happening. They might cry, scream, or seek comfort by getting closer to an adult to feel safe," she adds.
Other behaviors she’s observed include children "regressing." For example, a child who had stopped sucking their thumb might start again, or another might hold on to a favorite toy for comfort. For Ms. Samneh, this is seen as a "comfort zone" for children who haven’t yet developed "coping strategies that help them become more independent."
The psychologist sees adolescent behavior as "more complex" due to their level of maturity. "They understand the situation better, which allows them to think about the possible consequences. Sometimes, they anticipate and may even imagine the worst," she explains. As a result, the adolescent becomes "more anxious."
However, the teenager tends to "hide their fear to avoid appearing vulnerable," trying to "save face." According to Ms. Samneh, this response can make them "more withdrawn, irritable, or, in some cases, even more angry."
Physically, the anxiety in adolescents often manifests as "muscle tension, headaches, and stomach pains," which they may try to conceal. Unlike children, many adolescents won’t seek reassurance from their parents.
"Instead, some will turn to their friends, spending hours talking or joking on the phone, or they may seek other distractions, such as playing music or engaging in sports," the psychologist adds.
Ms. Samneh explains this as "avoidance behavior," which can provide "temporary relief from the anxiety they feel."
What is clear is that this ongoing war has affected all the children and teenagers the psychologist has encountered, particularly their parents. What troubles them most is "the instability in which we live," which makes them feel helpless.
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